The Science of Stupidity
by Bloodstained Comma
Summary: On his first ever recon mission to a world known as Black Mesa, Demyx steals a rather mysterious gun that has the ability to create portals between any two points, and Vexen isn't all too pleased about it.


_Well, since I haven't updated anything in ages due to my personal life sucking out both my time and my motivation-family issues, money issues, the first puppy I had in ages contracting Parvo and dying... it just hasn't been a good few months for me. But I'm graduated from high school now, applying to various colleges, and I finally have a friend in person who I can actually talk to about things without feeling like I'm just complaining about it all. With any hope, things will start looking up now. Maybe my motivation will start to come back soon._

_But as I was saying, since I haven't updated anything in awhile, I figured I might as well upload something. My first time writing Kingdom Hearts or the Portal/Half-Life Universe, so bear with me. I also don't do crossovers much, so yeah. I was just bored, this scenario came to my mind and just begged to be written._

_So, there you have it._

_**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything that I don't own. Period._

_**Warnings**: Demyx. With a portal gun. Need I say more? It's really only rated T for safety, which I do with nearly all my fics.  
_

_**Quick-Quote**: __"Well, that concludes today's lesson on stealing," Axel said, handing the gun to Saïx and walking over to Demyx. "No matter how 'awesome' it looks, just leave it alone and stick to the mission. Got it memorized?"_

* * *

Vexen was the first of the pair to stomp out of the Corridor of Darkness and tell Saïx to tell Xemnas exactly where he could stick any future orders he felt like giving regarding the new guy. Saïx didn't have any time think of a reply before Demyx exited the Corridor between the castle and the newly discovered world as well, carrying with him his regular "weapon" of choice—a sitar that didn't really inflict much damage on anything—and a rather large, rather unusual gun. Vexen glared pointedly at the second-in-command in explanation, but Saïx failed to notice, as he was a bit busy eyeing the gun Demyx was carrying, which was no doubt the reason he was looking even more cheerful than usual.

Saïx finally looked at Vexen and spoke. "So, the mission—?"

"It was awesome, check this thing out!" Saïx looked back at Demyx as he held up the large white gun. "It's a portal gun!"

"Weren't you instructed to leave the world in the state it was found in?" Saïx asked him.

Demyx's grin faded into a look of mild disappointment, and he lowered the gun to his side. "But don't you want to know how—?"

"I want to know how the mission went," Saïx said firmly, before turning to Vexen again. "So?"

"Total _disaster_," Vexen assured him. "Any decent information _I_ managed to gather was completely destroyed when this total _moron_ took that damned _gun_."

"And before?"

"Before—? Oh, yes. The world was called Black Mesa, apparently, quite technologically advanced, computer systems all over the place straight out of any decent scientist's dreams—"

"Yeah, loads of robots and radiation poisoning," Demyx said, waving the portal gun around dismissively. "Now check this out!" Vexen gave a resigned sigh as Demyx set his sitar on an unoccupied couch near two chairs that were currently occupied by Axel and Xigbar, both of whom looked around to see what was going on upon noticing that someone seemed to have given Demyx a gun.

Demyx held the gun up. "All right, first, you make a blue portal, which it's already set to do… let's see…" He aimed the gun at the floor and cocked it—a shot of electricity hit the floor, and a blue oval appeared there. "Okay, you just flip this to… or… up… oh, _this_, you flip this, and it goes orange, right?" Indeed, the electricity between the three black arms at the end of the gun had turned a burnt-orange color. "Right, so _now_ you shoot it somewhere else—" He shot towards a wall, "—and _another_ one appears. So, look into the orange one, you see the ceiling, and you look into the blue one, you're seeing us _through_ that portal. So, _that_ means—"

"It means if you jump into that one, you'll come out at the other, could you get this over with so I can finish my report?" Vexen interrupted impatiently.

"This _is_ part of the report, though, this thing came from Bl…" Demyx trailed off upon noticing the look he was receiving from Vexen. "Right. Uh… hold this for a second." He handed the portal gun to Saïx, who looked on somewhat curiously with the others in the room as Demyx jumped, feet first, into the blue portal.

His feet were also the first things to come out of the orange portal on the wall, and due to the very subtle differences between jumping and flying, he landed on the floor in front of this portal in a crumpled heap. Axel and Xigbar were the only ones laughing and Axel, a glint of inspiration in his eye, was the first to stop. He hopped over the side of his chair and took the gun from Saïx, examining it as he walked over to Demyx.

Vexen once again glared at Saïx pointedly. "Now," he said. "There were two primary locations in this world, both military science facilities. One called Black Mesa, the other Aperture Laboratories. The Black Mesa Research Facilities were under siege from some lifeform apparently unknown to that world when we arrived. Aperture was significantly more peaceful on the other hand, if not a little _too_ peaceful. The central computer system had killed all of the employees, and tried to kill _us_ as soon as Number Nine stole the gun and refused to return it. We barely made it back to the Corridor of Darkness, and both facilities were mostly in ruins by then."

"Any Heartless?" Saïx asked.

Vexen shook his head. "We failed to encounter any. As interesting as that world _was_, I'm afraid it won't be of much use to us.

"Is there even any pint in asking for a report on Number Nine's performance in Reconnaissance?" Vexen stared at Saïx, an expression of utter detestation on his face that perfectly summed up exactly what _he_ thought of the whole situation. Saïx nodded. "Fine. He will be kept away from recon missions in the future."

"If we ever need any worlds _destroyed_, however, he would be the person to send," Vexen said venomously.

"… an orange one here, and a blue on _here_?" Vexen and Saïx looked around to see Axel holding the portal gun over his shoulder. It seemed he had just put an orange portal on the ceiling directly above a blue one on the floor—Demyx was looking up and down between the two, a thoughtful expression on his face.

"So... if I was to jump into that one," Demyx said slowly, "I'll fall out of the one in the ceiling, back into the one on the floor, then out of… _whoa_. That… is _awesome_."

"So are you going to—? Never mind." Demyx had already jumped into the blue portal halfway through Axel's question, without a second thought on the matter. He stepped back from the portal a bit and looked at Saïx and Vexen. "So, general freefall rate?"

"Doesn't apply here," Vexen said. "The portals have barriers so the landing in a situation such as this will be more or less like falling from a window between the second and third floors of a house, at the worst."

"So if I was to move the blue portal before—or after—or… All right, let's _just_ say, if I was to move the blue portal, I wouldn't be a murderer?"

"No," Vexen said, and sighed. "Unfortunately not."

Grinning, Axel flipped the fun back to its blue setting, and relocated the blue portal to a wall. Moments later, Demyx landed on the ground in a rather undignified and—judging by the cracking sound and the yelp—rather painful manner. A collective flinch went across the room at this.

"Well, that concludes today's lesson on stealing," Axel said, handing the gun to Saïx and walking over to Demyx. "No matter how 'awesome' it looks, just leave it alone and stick to the mission. Got it memorized?"

And with that, he walked towards the hall, Demyx yelling swears and death threats after him.

* * *

_Entirely random, I know. But I just love how Kingdom Hearts can practically crossover with any other fandom ever in the history of anything. And I adore Demyx. Both because he's so dippy and because I heart stringed instruments xD Sitar, guitar, violin, anything really. I shall learn to play them all, by gosh!_

_And your word of the day is squeeze. Why? Just because.  
_


End file.
